Shirley Tong

I had an amazing experience yesterday at Kiwanis. Shirley Tong. Utah Mother of the Year, was the guest speaker. She is LDS and spoke about the challenges and trials she faced as a newly married woman with a husband who had some childhood baggage from growing up in an alchoholic family. She learned after they were married about his struggles and his anger and abuse. She talked about how they overcame these challenges. It was very moving and I feel something that every person should hear.

Here is just a glimpse of what she wrote:
Most of us would acknowledge that we don’t really know our spouses well when we get married but, after the honeymoon, when we get down to the nitty-gritty of daily living, we begin to see weaknesses and faults in each other. We tend to conclude that if only our spouse would change this or that, things would be much better.
James B. Cox says that our spouses can be our biggest enticements or problem! This also means then that they can be our greatest blessings! Someone has said that we either marry or give birth to our biggest challenges!
Not long after marrying, however, I was shocked when he exhibited extreme anger over a small incident! I wondered where it came from! After the children came, as he struggled to provide, he suffered depression from time to time. When he felt good, he was fun and loving, but, when stressed, his behavior was bizarre and angry. I used to feel embarrassed and responsible when my husband would scold me in public when he got angry, but I learned to teach him later in private, so he stopped doing it. (He was doing what he had grown up with.) Psychologically, I learned to let go of taking responsibility for his bad behavior: when it happened, I’d say to myself, “Well, he’s choosing to act like a boob and he’s responsible for this choice; and any sensible witness can see that he’s lost it.” Letting go is liberation!! Let him have the kind of relationships he cultivates and let him take the consequences so he can learn for himself. Develop healthy boundaries.